All I have is a Dream.. » Random

Being positive for a change

Another Dreamer — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 19:00:19 +0000

I lie in this bed, sick again. I look at my life and wonder if I made wrong choice somewhere. So many people tell me that I did, but I can’t get myself to believe them. That must mean I’m doing it right, no?
I know I should be upset about ex, being alone and somewhat friendless, pressures of work and studies, being broke all the time. But I don’t feel upset. Is there something wrong with me? I saw valentine episode of grey’s anatomy and all I feel is sappy happy. I still believe everything happens for a reason and while I have my down days, I cannot be pessimist all the time. Oh sure, I curse life every now and then (ok more than now and then). But I know I’ll find my rainbow at the end. Whether it’s a white picket fenced house or a shack at some beach, it’ll happen in its own time.
I guess it’s hard to accept that people can be content even things seem tough. And it’s not so tough anyway, unless you count unable to buy books at every whim or call your friend at 1 in night because you want to have ice-cream.
So maybe it’s the medication or maybe it’s my grown up genes or just this burning temperature, I don’t feel sad. I might in another 2 days, but not today.

Ps: ‘dream on’ is playing on my laptop right now.. Coincidence?

PPS: I want to call a certain ex and tell him he was wrong, my decision to go for psych wasn’t wrong. So he can fuck off. Being too mean??

Do I miss Twitter??

Another Dreamer — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 21:13:51 +0000

Hell yeah… I’ve been offline for just 3 days and As my anxiety gets better, I’m feeling the withdrawal symptoms.
Here’s top 5 reasons I miss twitter:
1. People are walking so slow in front of me and hogging whole footpath. Then there are stinky people on Tram. Then the scary drunk lady on tram – And I can’t whinge on Twitter.
2. I had to pay Uni fee. I’m broke as hell and I can’t share my pain.
3. Amazon stopped free shipping to Australia. THIS. PAINS. ME. SO. MUCH. And to think, no outrage outlet.
4. I lost 3 kg. Can’t brag to other people with body issues.
5. I went to central to get money out and forgot debit card at work. Such a #FML moment and STILL. CANT. SHARE.
Most importantly,
WHAT IF MY FRIENDS ON TWITTER FORGET THAT I EVER EXISTED??

Disasterous Me

Another Dreamer — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 10:14:49 +0000

One of those days where I have a lot to say, a lot to talk about, but just cannot get myself to write anything. If it was a paper journal, my waste paper basket would be full.
I’m being a hypocrite. And I continue to be one. My moral compass says I’m being bad. And I continue on that path. Why? I need people to tell me I’m wrong or tell me I’m right.
I want to sit and talk about life over a cuppa coffee. I want to bitch about my flatmate. I want to giggle at stupid things like innuendos. I want midnight coffee runs. I want midnight ice-cream sessions. All in all, I want my friends here.
I never thought it would be this hard being in a new city, but it is. Turns out it’s easier to date than to make friends. And it’s not like my social calendar is empty. I get out plenty. But it’s all so superficial. Each time I get a call from an old friend, I’m reminded of what I’ve left behind. Each conversation leaves me staring at the phone with tears in my eyes.
Some days all I want to do is have someone hold me and tell me everything’s alright. So I hold myself and do so.

People, Blogs, Sex, Complaints

Another Dreamer — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 00:04:31 +0000

This is 5th blog post that I started in past few weeks and haven’t been able to finish.
I was going to write about heart-breaks, sex, dating and blah blah. Each time I began, I had something to say. However, halfway through, I would remember that my brother, my ex, my ex-colleagues know about this blog and might just read it. This, of course, meant that I leave the post unfinished or delete it.
Anonymity that internet offered has been destroyed thanks to my own foolishness of sharing this blog’s link on FB.
Note to Self: If you ever plan to write about sex and dating, start a new blog and do not share the link.

Then whole thing about being a failure. It seems that being lonely or homesick depicts your failure in the chosen path. Which of course is nothing but load of bull-shit. I’m overall a happy person (At least I like to think so), but every now and then I do miss home and feel sad. That doesn’t mean I’m not content with the direction my life is taking. I am. I’m allowed to be Happy and Sad at the same time. I’m allowed to be far from home, love my life and yet miss home. I don’t know if I did the right thing. I will probably not know it for another 10 years. Whatever it is, it makes me Happy.
First time in years, I get excited about work. I don’t dread Mondays anymore. I love going to Uni and listening to Profs. So For now, I’m good. Thank you very much.

What was that?

Another Dreamer — Fri, 09 Sep 2011 01:12:16 +0000

It’s been a weird week.
On last friday, someone asked me out in a bar. Someone just flirted. Someone told me I’m really beautiful. Yup, all in a night. Clearly when I am drink, I become more desirable. (Well, yeah, we already knew that.) My regular coffee place guy told me how good my hair looks. (More flirting??)
I decided I’ve a crush on a cute and plump lecturer who totally ignores me. (Do I detect old pattern here?)
I heard about blasts in Delhi. Luckily my father left high court (where blast happened) just 45 minutes before the blasts. I was shit scared when I couldn’t reach him. Then turns out he had no idea about them and was surprised I knew it before him. Power of Twitter??
Then I sprained my ankle and spent a day at home.
Today, It hailed on me. And its supposedly spring.
Of course, paper is still pending. I did write few hundred words though.

Now how am I supposed to take this week? Good week, bad week, just-plain-weird week?

Procrastination and Me

Another Dreamer — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 03:36:08 +0000

I should really be writing paper for uni. And what do I do? I get back to blogging.
One would have thought that by now I would have learned to prioritize. But No, all I have learned is to get better at procrastination.
And Uni paper is not the only thing I’m busy ignoring. I was supposed to start working out a while ago. And yeah, weight keeps on increasing, but I cannot manage to get myself inside the gym door.
Yesterday was an eye-opener. I finally managed to get myself motivated enough to go running. And I really went running. Sadly, it confirmed the fact that I don’t have any stamina anymore. I couldn’t even run 1km without almost getting a heart-attack. Yup, my first instinct was also to go and drown myself somewhere (Btw.. corresponding phrase in Hindi is so much better)
Anyway, everything said and done, I’ve decided to finish the paper by end of this week and start running everyday. Who knows I might just do 5km in few months. Also, to save my clothes untimely death, I would also now be controlling my dessert/snack intake (i.e. chocolates and macarons). I guess this would be hardest of three.
Wish me luck!

Desi Girl in Foreign City

Another Dreamer — Mon, 29 Aug 2011 11:24:57 +0000

It’s been more than 2 months since I landed in Melbourne. And it’s been hard, easy, fun, depressing, lonely, not-so-lonely.
First month was the hardest. It took me 2 weeks to land first interview and another to land a job. I know I shouldn’t complain. People have had it worst. In almost 8 years, this was my first time being without a job. I thought I would enjoy this time. I didn’t. I got depressed. Being away from family and friends didn’t help either. To top it all, break-up. I think this was the biggest blow of all. I left India secure in knowledge that things were strong between me and A. And first few weeks, it looked like we were managing it fine. Then out of blue, he said its not working. So that was it.
Then came work and saved me. Meeting new people, learning new things, shopping for work wardrobe. Yes, I was saved. I still was getting sleepless nights and teary eyes, but atleast I could get out of bed and get on with my life.
And then started my student life. Now to be thrown in middle of teens is not fun. But I love psychology. I love sitting through lectures, learning about various studies, being more aware of people day after day.
Now it’s been more than 2 months. I’m going to give induction to a new joinee tomorrow. That’s how far I’ve come at work. I’ve completed 1 assignment at uni, a paper is due in 2 weeks, another research I need to attend. We have just been approved for renting new apartment. Time is moving fast and thankfully in exciting way.
I still hate being lonely. I miss my friends and family. I hate looking at my mom’s face over a monitor and not being able to comfort her. And I so hate prices here . Australia is soo expensive. I’ve taken to shopping online from US & UK sites
But it’s a start of a new life. And I can feel it’s going to be exciting one. Overall I’m happy I took this plunge

Goodbye

Another Dreamer — Sun, 03 Apr 2011 05:24:08 +0000

It’s people closest to you who hurt you most.
And it’s disappointing. You prepare shells to protect yourself from the world, but not against your loved ones. So what do you do now?
People, you thought, will always be your side, aren’t there anymore. You wish things will change, but they don’t seem to.
All you want to hear is old laughter, gentle voice But what you get is suspicion and rudeness.
Guess this was the test we needed.
I never thought a girl will come between our friendship and love, but she did. Hope she keeps you happy and makes you smile more than we ever did.
And for obvious reasons, this is good bye.

Priorities and Decisions

Another Dreamer — Mon, 28 Mar 2011 13:44:09 +0000

Sometimes I wonder if someone somewhere is having fun on my expense.
Everyone knows how indecisive I can be. I’ve spent years trying to figure out what I want from life. This time I thought I got it right. Opportunity is there. Interest is there. I, somehow, convinced myself to take the required plunge. Risk it all, I said. And I was excited. I so was.
But Family situation requires that I stay where I am. This is not the time for risks. Not that my family would ever tell me not to take them. I know they’ll be happy for me, if I decide to go ahead with it. But I know I need to be here for them. So, pack the dream in a box and wait for right time again. Hopefully, it’ll come again. And soon, it’ll be.

Musings

Another Dreamer — Wed, 26 Jan 2011 09:39:11 +0000

Happy Republic Day.
While most of nation grumbles about the state of affairs today, I’m more worried about myself. Typical Me. But then again, I can write 20 things which are wrong with today’s India and another 20 which define us and makes this country greatest for me. Does anyone care? I don’t know. I’ve been told I’m nothing but a naive idealist and a dreamer. I guess it’s not bad as far as other labels go. I would rather be naive than jaded which I feel I’m beginning to become.
So back to the point, I’ve been bit under the stress. Not because of work but the direction my life is taking. It would be so easy to just give in and follow others. Get married, have kids and live life of almost everyone I know. But how can I? That’s not the person I am. Then what? Should I really go for new life? Can I really be reckless and just jump into the fire? What it doesn’t work out? Is there a way that someone can tell you the leap you are going to take is going to work out for you?
I wish there was someone I could talk to. Sadly, there isn’t. So I’m busy getting stressed. Which is resulting in huge credit card bill and a larger waist. Maybe I should find a new project. New craft idea or language? Decisions Decisions.
For now, I’ll just go and light up few candles to feel better.